To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I give you a sketch I wrote last year for a contest on MST3K: The Discussion Board.

x-posted to mst3k

Mike: Look, I'm telling you, I've got this all planned out, and there won’t be any corned beef and cabbage and Darby O'Gill and the Little People until after we do this play about Saint Patrick.

Crow: I guess. I mean, I did go to all the trouble of doctoring the script. Did you like the changes I made?

Mike: Haven't read them yet. I’m still a little nauseous from that Coleman Francis triple feature Dr. F. subjected us to. Okay, so here are your scripts. Everyone ready? Oh, and Crow, no underwear jokes in Gaelic, okay?

Crow: Spoilsport.

Mike: Hush. Okay, "The Life of Saint Patrick." By Mike Nelson.

Crow: Script editing by Crow T. Robot.

Mike: In 5th century Wales, there lived a boy named Maewyn Succat.

Crow: I'm Maewyn Succat, and I live in Wales in the 5th century.

Mike: One day, young Maewyn was kidnapped by pirates...

Tom: (dressed as a pirate) Arr! You'll be comin' with us, Maewyn Succat!

Crow: Oh no! Whatever shall I, Maewyn Succat, do?

Mike: ... and taken to Ireland, where he lived as a slave.

Crow: I'm Maewyn Succat, and I am now a slave in Ireland.

Tom: (now dressed as a druid for some reason, and using a fake Irish accent) Those pigs aren’t gonna be feedin’ themselves, boyo!

Mike: Maewyn's faith grew so much that soon he was praying 100 times a day.

Crow: Sweet God, take me now.

Mike: One day, he heard a voice telling him it was time to return home, so he took out his master with a shovel and burned the entire village to the ground... Crow, what is this?!?

Crow: That's what I was trying to tell you! The whole story was praying and preaching. It was boring! So I punched it up a bit.

Mike: You've got a future saint going on a killing spree and saying things like "I can taste your fear. It's magically delicious!"

Crow: But I kept the snakes!

Mike: You turned them into 30-foot tall, fire-breathing serpents of death!

Crow: I stand by my work.

Tom: Whatever. Can we go eat now? There's a big, steaming hunk of corned beef that's calling my name.

Mike: Yeah. I should grab my U2 albums so we can get drunk on Guinness and sing along to "Where the Streets Have No Name"...

Mood mellow and procrastinate-y Music Firedance - Riverdance Tags: holidays, mst3k, writing