This story has completely confiscated my life. That is all.

The Abecedarian Omnibus
Author: middlegirl
Summary: Another chapter in the Middleman sidekick chronicles.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: In Chapter 1.
Spoilers: Really builds off of stuff seen in 1x03 and 1x05.
Author's Notes: Now that I think of it, Polly might have been a bit Mary Sueish, but she will be the baseline that MM compares any successive sidekicks to, so she needs to be almost the perfect sidekick. I’m also thinking this chapter might be shorter than the first. You’ll see why.
 
Chapter 1: The Abecedarian Vaporization

Chapter 2: Casey, or The Abecedarian Annihilation

It had been about six months since Polly’s dissolution at the hands of a Maka’alohi short-range neutrino destroyer when the Middleman met Casey. This young man had been discovered through a scan by the H.E.Y.D.A.R. (nobody tells me exactly what they scan for, I don’t have enough security clearance) and the Middleman had been sent to recruit him. Casey was an employee at his father’s pizza parlor, and had been rather stunned at the prospect of leaving the job for something so out of the ordinary. (Casey’s father wasn’t entirely sad about losing his son to another job – Casey tended to spill.)

Casey tried his best to help the Middleman, but while he didn’t exactly get in the way of the effort, he wasn’t exactly the best sidekick the Middleman had ever had. (At this point, of course, it was rather a short list.) If Polly’s presence made Middleman HQ like a family, then having Casey around was like having some distant teenaged cousin live with you: slightly awkward and quiet. Casey almost never spoke, except for the odd quiet mumble. The only time he was ever instrumental in a case was when he and the Middleman had to battle against The Catchiest Song In The Universe, and even though Casey had become prey to it, his silence kept him from singing the song aloud, which would have ensnared the Middleman instantly. We definitely have him to thank for keeping such an evil from being unleashed on the world. (It was one of those unbelievably chipper European dance/techno songs, the kind that make you want to poke out your eardrums with a Q-Tip.)

Not long after, the Middleman learned that his mentor, the lethal martial artist Sensei Ping was going to be coming all the way from China to meet with his martial arts organization, the Clan of the (at this point, I must apologize. A handful of paranoid and celibate martial artists have gathered outside my window and are threatening to do something called the Dance of the Crane Emperors to me if I name this organization.)

Anyway, Sensei Ping agreed to meet with Casey and train him, in the hopes that his skill as a sidekick might improve. (The most lethal man alive is going to meet a completely untrained and somewhat clumsy kid? This should be good.)

***

THE HALLS OF MIDDLEMAN HEADQUARTERS

8:56 AM

The Middleman led Casey toward the Middleman Dojo for his first session with Sensei Ping. “Now remember, Casey, Sensei Ping is the most lethal man alive,” he reminded. “But I have faith in you.”

Ida, who wasn’t far behind, was her usual supportive self. “Don’t worry. We’ve got your parents on speed-dial, and your death will be remembered as a freak accident.”

The Middleman threw Ida a stern look, and continued to encourage Casey, who had a bewildered look on his face. (Then again, he tended to have that look a lot.) “Just pay attention and do your best. We’ll be waiting for you out here when your hour is up.”

“It was nice knowing you,” Ida threw in, despite the Middleman’s disapproval.

***

OUTSIDE THE MIDDLEMAN DOJO

20 MINUTES LATER

The Middleman and Ida stood in the hallway, listening in on Casey’s first session with Sensei Ping, hoping to gauge how it was going. Suddenly, everything on the other side of the door went silent, and then there was a thud. The door opened, and a slender man wearing a (Crap, those martial artists are back. Never mind what he’s wearing.)

Anyway, Sensei Ping exited the dojo. “Your new apprentice is dead,” he stated solemnly.

At this, the normally unflappable Middleman lost his cool a bit. “Dead?!? What happened in there?” He paused, and then remembered who he was talking to. “Sensei Ping,” he added with a short bow of the head.

Sensei Ping sounded oddly defensive. “Sensei Ping was showing him the Claw of the Nine Sunrises. Sensei Ping did not even strike him and he died.” (Because of his awesomeness, Sensei Ping can refer to himself in the third person. He does this all the time. You tend to not notice it after a while, but if this is the first time you’ve met him, it can grate on the nerves a bit.)

The Middleman was speechless (apparently this Claw of the Nine Sunrises is something pretty special), so Ida took over. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got this handled,” she told Sensei Ping.

Sensei Ping bowed low in reply. “Madame Ida, Sensei Ping leaves this in your capable hands. If you need Sensei Ping, Sensei Ping will be in Sensei Ping’s usual suite at the Four Seasons.” He turned to the Middleman. “It is regrettable that your student has died, my apprentice,” he said, turning to walk away. “But he was as silent as a mute wolf and as clumsy as a man in a rubber suit. Sensei Ping did you a favor.”

***

THE ARCHIVE ROOM

A FEW HOURS LATER

Ida found the Middleman in the archive room, cleaning his Middlegun. “It’s all taken care of,” she said, sounding somewhat proud of her efforts. You might want to watch the evening news tonight. I hear the lead story’s going to be a doozy.”

***

In the end, Casey’s death was made to look like a bizarre petting zoo accident. Casey’s parents tried to sue, but found that the petting zoo was a scam, and no names could be found. (Ida is a master at engineering cover-ups and creating conspiracies.) Middleman Headquarters was no more or less quiet without Casey there; in fact, it was almost like he never left.